Half an hour passed before a guy called me in and asked what I wanted to do. A hair cut was my reply and he told me if I wouldn’t mind to wait for a customer who came just before me. I said no problem and sat on an empty seat I spotted. After 15 minutes passed by, a girl approached me to get my hair washed.

An hour passed before it’s my turn to be served. I’m not a talkative person and most of time I just like being quiet but this hairdresser couldn’t stand my quietness. He started with asking what style I preferred to where I had it cut before which are quite standard questions. Then he started asking several questions that I found uneasy to answer and made me wonder inside my head what the …

Q : Are you Chinese?
A : Yes (with a blank look answering while inside my mind thinking why does it matter what race I’m?)

Q : Ah, that’s what I thought. Your neck is so white
A : (just starred blankly at hairdresser with no comment while thinking suspiciously if there’s hidden message implied in that statement. So what if my skin is fair, I always feel that this issue has always been brought over and really I feel like an outcast in the country I was born and spent most of my life growing up)

Q : Do you work at A company ?
A : No ( with a blank face )
Q : Oh I thought you work there. There are many Chinese working there like to come here for haircut.
A : (no comment but keep thinking with slightly annoyed and wanted to scream what the hell? Why do you have to bring Chinese thing?)

And more personal questions
Q : Where do you live?
A : B street, it’s just across that street
Q : I haven’t seen you before, are you living out of town?
A : Yes
Q : So what are you doing?
A : I’m home because my father is sick
Q : Oh what kind of sickness? How old is he?
A : Intestine problem. He’s in 60s (feeling really annoyed but answering politely and keeping it short to avoid further nosy questions)
Q : My father is around 80s and still fit
A : (give another blank stare and no comment)

While I do feel satisfied with the cut I doubt if I ever return to that place. May be I’m just too sensitive but growing up in this country as minority with fair skin always brings people attention and sometimes when people make comments relating to my race I just can’t stop thinking what’s its hidden meaning, whether people imply something else differently. It’s the different treatment that I have been encountered ever since I was little not to mention a horrible incident targeted at my race as scape goat in 2007 that’s part of an unforgettable history in this country.

So please this is my country too, I was born and grow up here. Please stop look at me differently like I’m an outsider just because of my skin color.

For a start, a long distance friend who I just start keeping in touch for the past 2 months does remember my birthday. Well, she sent me a message two days earlier than the actual date but still it feels nice to know that she doesn’t forget it even though she doesn’t recall the exact date.

The second surprise I got from my youngest brother who bought me a cake. It’s tiramisu cake and then mom asking if it’s my birthday. I said yes and she kisses me on cheek.

I shared the cake with my other brother who later gave me a kiss on cheek. Actually, my family are not affectionate one but I think after all things happened for the past 3 years, we are kinda getting close to each other.

And  the last surprise is my youngest brother bought me an ipad, not that I need it.

I know that with all these things happening in my life, I should feel blessed but somehow I’m a bit of lost. When there’s no expectation in life, everything seems to be so bland yet it makes me at peace. I realize that there will be many obstacles ahead in the future but for now I just want to enjoy these blessings and say thank you so much to all of you who care about me. Thank you for being there for me even though I’ve been distanced myself from anyone for these past years.

There’re so many questions inside my mind, mostly about myself. Strangely though that I barely know myself anymore, who I am actually. The way my mind works sometimes so confusing and I feel like I’m living in my own world, a world where there’s no one can hurt me, a world where I can find my peace. Sadly, that world doesn’t seem to exist in real life. I am such a dreamer, but is it wrong to have a dream like that?

Will I survive in this world until the end? Honestly, I don’t know but I think somehow I’m able to manage it through. There’re just too many things happened around me and I’m still learning to get used with them. Am I being tested? For sure, I don’t want to go through that road of depression anymore.

While I’m struggling with myself, seeing my dad in pain and change into a different person really hurts me deeply. He’s my role model and he has become a person I barely know. I feel like his body is here but his mind is somewhere else. I know that he’s struggling himself and it brings tears to me whenever he says that he can’t go on anymore.

I wish that I have someone beside me that can help me through this, someone who I can share my feeling. But I haven’t found that person yet. Actually, I don’t know if I ever can find that person or even try to find him since I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

There’re few things about myself that I recently discover which are I am an introvert, shy and quiet person. When I’m happy, I can talk about anything but when I’m down all I want is to retreat to my own world away from anyone. How funny that I’ve never taken into account about these before. So many things about myself that I need to learn.

The place where I think that I can fit in is Aven. I think I may be Ace but I’m not completely sure, somewhere between gray A or demi A. This community makes me feel that I’m normal. At the moment, I don’t contribute much to its forum but I hope that I can do more in the future. Well, I guess it’s enough for now and I feel much better now after I unloaded some burdens inside me.

i feel that i’m not going anywhere in life that i’m just stoned, may be it’s called a break down. i used to be happy before and i want to get it back, the feeling of being alive, fearless and most importantly believing in myself.

there’re lots of thing going on inside my mind that make it hard to stay focused. what i’m talking about is finding direction on what and where i want to be in life. there’s this part of my soul longing for wanderlust. i don’t feel that i belong to this place anymore and the thought that i’m gonna stuck in here for the rest of my life freaks me out time to time that paralyzed my mind.

i’m about to make an important decision that will change my life, yes i’m at that crossroad again but this time it’s way more complicated that it’s ever been before.

Why is it odd? That’s because I’m feeling the hope today, full of energy. Odd because while surfing the net, trying to do some research before procrastination hit me, I bump into a site where I find that this blogger has exactly the same birthday like mine, born on the same date, month, year. How many times in life do you ever encounter thing like this?

Now I’m speechless again, don’t know what to write. I guess my mind is tired right now since I haven’t slept since yesterday afternoon. Not that I don’t want to, but I just can’t sleep with all excitement inside my mind.

I promise myself that I’m going to start writing a post a day again. It feels so good to be back and hopefully it’ll keep doing like this until one day I find myself free again.

I’ve started reading Bible this week, sometimes open it randomly and most of the time the page I open up is all about refuge. And just like knowing what I need at during this difficult time about unknown future and fear was hitting me badly, yesterday when I open it randomly to find an answer. The page opens up at at highlighted sentence saying “Fear not, for I am with you”.

This sentence really struck me on and it keeps ringing inside my head all the time. It does give me courage and lifts up my spirit, calming down distracted thoughts inside my mind.

Tonight, something wonderful happens to me during worship. A lady is giving sermon on choir group gathering and the topic is about opening eye. Just before she finished, she told us whether any of us ready to be anoint with oil to open up our eyes. That’s when the dream i mentioned earlier caught me back. She asked us to pray first and when we’re ready just look to her and she’ll anoint the oil to our eyes.

I pray to Jesus that I want to be anoint and I do mean it. Just after the lady put the oil on my eyes, I feel shivering for 3 times and something has been releasing out of my body and mind. My mouth was stammering it self just like something wants to come out of it, like speaking tongue but only for a minute. During that 5minutes or so, even that it’s short time but for me it feels so long and I can feel much lighter and warm inside me. The heavy burden has been lifted up from my body and my mind suddenly feels so light.

Thank Jesus for saving me again and drawing me close again. The fear, doubt and worry inside me starts to leave me, the powerful strength has wrapped my soul. Even that i don’t know what the future will hold for me but one thing for sure is that i should not have any fear or worry for God will always be with me to help, guide and direct me to the right path He has planned for me.

A short talk with a friend tonight opens up my mind as well when he asked me what my plan is. I told him that I feel that it’s time for me to go home, it seems that my parents need me to be around. My parents are not believer, may be it’s what God wants me to do, to save my parents by opening their hearts for Jesus as saviour. I pray to God to use me to help others, most importantly my parents and I think this is the answer of my prayer.

Even that I’m not sure whether I can do it but for one thing that I am sure of, God will always be with me and He will guide and lead me. So what I really need to do now is to get closer to Him, listen to His word and follow Him. He lead me to this country not to find a job but to make me grow in faith, to answer to His call.

Thanks again God and I’ll answer Your call as well.

This week is critical to me since i’m about to make a decision that can change my life again, but i’m not sure if it’s really what God wants me to do.i feel really tired and weary but still drag myself to keep on going because i don’t want to give up on hope. without faith and hope, i know that i’m gonna lose the fight to be alive. i’ve been in this kind of situation before, not only once but 2-3 times and i won’t let myself to indulge into this vicious circle anymore. i try to get closer to God, asking for direction and guidance and that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks.

my friend spotted that something’s wrong with me again when we met yesterday and she’s absolutely right, she sensed it from my face. that’s true, whatever u feel inside will be reflected outside and anyone surrounds you can sense it as well. i need to get that positive energy back, draw it back to me.

It starts with the scene on graduation day and how one student fails to graduate. I know that life in China is hard and during my one year studying Chinese in China, I’ve heard many stories on how young generation in China has to study hard to graduate and after that fight hard to get a decent job. First of all, entering university is not an easy task and then graduate is another hard task as well. Like many young people in China, as an only child in the family, parents put all their hope unto their only child.

On the first episode, when one person fails to graduate, for him, it’s like losing face and hope because he knows that his parents put all sweat and hard earning money to send him to university and when his father shows disappointment and put the blame on him, he just couldn’t control himself and commit suicide.

How funny sometime I find that for some people no matter how hard the life is, they struggle to keep on living while for some few of people, when life gets harsh, they come to no point of keep on going. Honestly, there’re time in my life when I fall into the second category.

Back to the drama, the whole story is about friendship, love, work and money. Which one is the most important in life? Before I come to the end of the story, let me describe a bit about this drama.

An architect graduate falls in love with his girlfriend’s friend and there’re conflict between three of them. He’s the main character in this drama and the whole story revolves mostly about him but he’s not showed as a perfect guy. He believes on himself, smart person and his actual father is actually a rich and successful businessman. In reaching his dream, he becomes too naive and selfish.

Another guy is an entrepreneur type one and by helping his friend, he starts doing some small business and then later his friend becomes his girlfriend. She’s not from Beijing but she has a big dream which is actually her last promise to her father before he passed away. Later on, she gets married with this guy’s business partner. This guy at first can’t accept this but then he finally understands the reason why and he moves on with his life as well. He falls in love with another girl in the end.

The third guy is an average employee, a childish type of guy who never thinks too much. When this guy is being introduced into a girl, he falls in love and no long after that he proposes to that girl. They get married sneakily and then later tell their parents. Their marriage life is not an easy one, lots of conflict as well since both of them are childish. They divorce and later on get remarried.

Through this drama, even that it wants to tell how Beijing young generations struggle in their life but there’re so many interesting and important lessons to learn. Life is about struggling but in order to keep on going, the goal or objective is what drives life, what makes life worth living. Everyone has his/her own objective/goal but for some people, they lack of this purpose of life. When a person doesn’t find purpose anymore, there’s no point of keep on living.

Money is important to support life but it’s not the most important one since money can’t buy happiness. Just like the rich and successful father, he has money but he has no family, even his son doesn’t want to run his business.

I’m struggling as well in this life, couldn’t find what my purpose in life is. I’ve found it once and now it suddenly loses it means but I don’t want to give it up. The only time when I can feel truly joyful is when I praise and worship God, during that time I feel free from anything and I know that this time I’m being tested again but surely this hard time shall pass again as long as I keep my faith and hope on Him.

阿姨: F, 你周日还要去按摩吗?

F: 要啊. 我的身体有点儿不舒服该去按摩.

阿姨: 那周日吧, 我就约那个按摩师下午四点好不好?

F: 好得, 谢谢阿姨. 那我周日就到您家吧.

星期日, 我看时钟已近四点了就跟弟弟说快点儿. 弟弟送我到阿姨家. 到哪儿, 阿姨跟我说:

阿姨: 按摩师望了今天的约. 我刚跟她打个电话, 她说她要去祷告一下然后就来这儿.

F: 没关系阿姨, 我就等着吧.

我根阿姨叔叔聊天儿, 叔叔还给我看网球录像机.等到大概半个小时, 按摩师就到了.

刚开始的时候, 阿姨告诉按摩师, 我弄伤了右肩.

按摩师: 你好像伤风了!

她模了我右边的脖子说: 这儿疼吗?

F: 疼

按摩师: 这儿就很硬. 你为什么不小心,肯定容易头疼是不是?

F: 对呀!

按摩师: 我看,还是把全部身体按摩比较好..

F: 那就这么做吧.

一个半小时以后按摩就结束了. 我感觉到身体比较舒服. 最后的按摩好像根泰按摩一样, 我有点害怕, 怕那个按摩师把我的脖子伤了.

晚上睡觉的时候, 我比较轻松的. 但一两天全部身体有点儿疼, 过了三天感觉舒服多.